CERTIFICATE OF EXONERATION
Regarding the FIFA World Cup 2026 Semi-Final: England vs Argentina, Atlanta
Issued this day in Mahikeng, South Africa, July 2026
Let it be known that I, the undersigned, being a supporter in good standing of:
Manchester United, the San Francisco 49ers, Mamelodi Sundowns, the Natal Sharks, the Springbok Rugby Team, Boca Juniors, and yes — the England National Association Football Team
Do hereby DECLARE AND CERTIFY the following individuals wholly GUILTLESS and EXONERATED from all blame, shame, and generational trauma arising from the abysmal, unforeseen, unprecedented, historic and supremely cowardly surrender to the Argentinian football team in the final forty minutes of the aforementioned semi-final:
THE EXONERATED:
1. *Ollie Watkins*
2. *Kobbie Mainoo*
3. *And any other players who did not receive a single minute of playing time*
This Certificate affirms that the above-named cannot and shall not be held responsible for the hideous psychological scarring inflicted upon supporters of the England National Team, and English people more generally, the effects of which are likely to persist for generations.
FURTHERMORE, I take this opportunity to REPUDIATE all pundits, commentators, content creators, theorists and philosophers of football who seek to explain the defeat not as cowardice, but as “football brainlessness” endemic to English players and people — when compared to the cultured and intelligent footballing nations of South America and the African continent.
IN EVIDENCE THEREOF:
The lack of tactical and strategic insight displayed bears a telling parallel to chess, that most strategic and tactical of board games.
It is noted that:
– No Englishman or woman has ever won the World Chess Championship
– The only English-speaking World Chess Champion was American (mid-1970s)
– Victory in chess requires control of the centre
– It is impossible and illegal to jam eleven pieces upon the back rank of eight squares
– There is no recourse to penalties in chess
– Checkmate is final
Funnily enough, the manner of England’s defeat to Argentina was the closest approximation to a chess checkmate ever witnessed on a football pitch.
SIGNED AND SEALED*
In Mahikeng, South Africa
This 18th day of July, 2026
Supporter, Witness, and Survivor
